for all i know, this isnt my fault. i am not going to apologise for it. if my life is meant to be this way, there's nothing i can do to avoid it or change it. as much as i hate it, there is nothing i can do !!!! so stop making things difficult for me and as if its my fault. i really dont wish things to happen this way. i tried to be hard-heart, i tried to be selfish, i tried to not think for others, i tried not to show any signs of care and concerns for anybody, i tried to be the worst fren ever and i even tried to be a horrible person !! by doing all these isnt making me feel any better, things aren't going well or as wad i wanted !! everytime i harded my heart on anyone or anything, they just keep coming. everytime i turn away from frens, they come reaching for the bottom of my heart.

i dont want to hurt anybody. if i did hurt u, i am truly sorry, i really am.

i was wrong. all this while i thought i am right. i was wrong. i must stop. stop avoiding. it's time. time to face the reality. but i'm afraid. afraid.. of so many things. so afraid.. till.. i'd rather keep everything to myself. that's when i thought i'm right. so it's a cycle. i was wrong.  

im afriad.. 

a brand new life. a new start.
i take every apportunity as a brand new start. no matter how hard life is, it still goes on. and there's no better reason to not continue and give up.
i was jurong east mrt station when i saw it with my own eyes, that an old couple, probably in their late 50s, using the Ez-link machine, not topping their cards, but getting the deposit of the one-time used ez-link card. and its not just 1 card, they got a bag full of it. it strike me, times are so bad now that ppl are doing all ways to put food on their table. these ppl aren't giving up. why should i? why should we? we've all come this far, live this far, just to give up when we see blocks and blocks of thick hard walls in front of us? impossible. life is too short to not enjoy breaking the walls and going thru it without struggling.
im still the same.. still believing the same.. "no matter what, i must not give up."

at the end of the day, it's always me myself and i. how many will actually stay? they have their life to live. and often words of comfort always come, but is that really wad we want? so at the end of each day, i always tell myself its okay to be alone, it's okay to cry, it's okay when noone sees your pain, it's okay when noone believe and trust, it's okay when noone understands, cuz as long as i lived, i understand that everyone has their life to live on and i understand that wadever problems i faced, it's my problem and i have to learn to solve it myself, so it's really okay to not have anyone by my side when im having my worst days. because i'm tired. i'm tired of wanting and hoping that there'll be someone holding me when im shivering with fear, someone who's there to wipe my tears, or even there to share my joy and laughters. i am tired. cuz noone stays. noone stays till the end. 

it's not just a day or two. it happened forever. 

i see a problem in front of me, everyday. yet i cant help. useless. no ability to. noone knows. or did anyone try to know? i doubt so. 

"i dont believe in bestfriends" this is a title for my composition writing back in primary school, primary 2. why? give me a reason why should i? just 1 reason will do. 

i will believe when i meet one who will spend the rest of his/her life with me. until then, i dont believe in any. dont even try to make me believe.

some of us believe that "dreams do come true" but sadly, many dont. I dont.
dreams shattered for a reason - for other great things to happen, as i believed.

emotions are filling up. woman's sixth sense is always accurate. what would you do when u sense something is not rite? walk up and talk about it? ignore and pretend nothing is wrong? or flare it up? my emotions are filling up..

dont call me everyday.
dont ask me where am i and what am i doing.
dont worry about me when i am already big enough to handle things myself.
dont ask me personal questions when i dont feel like or dont even want to talk abt my personal stuffs because it's personal.
dont always think that i do not know what i am doing becus i am sure i can get things done on my own and i am also very sure that i will look for help if i cant get things done on my own.
i am no longer a baby who cries everytime i m hungry or i poo. i am no longer a toddler who is trying to learn how to walk and talk. i am not a primary school kid who fights in school just because the gal next class pull my pony tail. i am no longer a secondary school teenager who hangs out at the mall with a bunch of frens after school everyday. i am no longer a tertiary student who skip lectures and goes out late at night to party almost everyday. i am a 23 year old adult who is trying real hard to find any part time jobs before my school starts in July this year and u and me knows how difficult it is to search for jobs, and i relaly mean any jobs at this time where the times are so bad when hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of ppl are being retrenched every month around the world. i did not just sit around at home facing my laptop and do nothing. i did not go out and just walk down the street blankly. so stop asking me where am i and what am i doing. stop calling me and worrying abt me if i am having a bad time. bcuz i am telling you now that i am not and will not give up, not yet, not any minute, not even close, in finding money to be in my pocket.

and if you dont trust me to be a grown up, then dont even talk to me. bcuz i wont even wanna look at you.

i know you love and care. i just dont need it this way.