it's ok.. it's really ok..

xing ku yi dian bu yao jing... yi hou jiu hui you hao ri zi guo le..

i'll bite on my teeth and hold on .. i will not give up..

Am I a burden to you, sometimes I wonder.

Everytime I came home, I see the shoes layed all over the place outside the door. I hear laughters of the children in the room. I hear the TV on. Lights were dim. The sense of belonging isn't there. And I started to feel like an "extra" coming out from nowhere. You may not feel this way, but I do.

Hiding in the room, watching TV, going online, doing nothing. I enjoyed having my own time for myself. But how long can it last? I need someone to truely warm my heart and make me feel love. I think the problem lies in me, I know.

Being emotional really drift me away. I have no mood to do anything at all. And only you... can make me feel better.. If only you knew..

Leisure World Cruise Competition !!!
Woohoo !!! I got into Semi-Finals !!! TOUGH FIGHT !!!! Gonna be an exciting one !! wahahhahaha I'm ssssoooooooooooo not confident. *sigh* anywaysssss...... ENJOY CAN ALREADY !!!! WOOHOOO!!!!

money money money...... i need money......... its amazing how you can speak right to my heart ~~ without saying a word... you can light up the dark ~~~ !!! wOot !!! I'm so touched cannnnnnn... when you gave it to me.. I was shocked !!! thinking how the hell you know !!!?? well.. guess that's the power of LOVE !!!! Famliy LOVE !!! FAMILY = Father And Mother I LOVE YOU !! WAHahahhahahaha

Oh man.. i miss dance classsesssss.. !!!! I was watching the "wu lin da dao" last night and I feel so high !!! I wanna dance the night away man !!! omgomgomg.. If only I can dance like from day to night EVERYDAY !!! Wahahhahaa crazyy but SERIOUS !! When you look at urself in the mirror, doing so good, oh my.. the sense of achievement is incredible !!!! and telling yourself NO ! YOU CAN DO BETTER STILL !! omg.. can't imagine la.. must try it urself =)

I don't understand why people work so hard and get themselves all tired and sick. No matter how important your current task is, your health must always be at the best state, if not, how are you able to complete your task successfully when you aren't feeling well?
Yes, Im refering to myself too. I'm very prone to colds. So i kinda changed my diet. I had lotsa fruits and vege, and I can really feel the difference. And exercising too, it's very important. But sadly... I've done it all wrong too.... excess excersing and consuming of fruits makes me big..... super sad la... i've totally lost it.. Don't know what im doing.. I just know I wanna slim down !!!! Now that I've know the correct way of doing it.. I'm not going to destroy it again !!!!!

* Cut down carbo intake
* Try to avoid rice and yellow noodles
* Do not consume too much fruits, they have hidden sugar
* Take fruits only before meals, NOT AFTER, it helps in disgestion
* NO food and defintely NO supper after 8pm
* Break meals into 5 small meals, MOST IMPORTANT MEAL IS BREAKFAST
* Do not go running too much, it'll make you muscular
* Avoid 3in1 coffee and milo
* Take in more water and PURE green tea, it helps to detox
* Avoid meat
* Avoid drinking water at night, it'll cause water retention

I hope this time round I'll be satisfy.

Gal, thank you so much... really.. =)

Back at home... I'm all alone again.. I guessed you have never noticed me at all.......
HAve been busy... busy.... real busy......
Rehearsals.... practices... work.... running errands.... everything comes together and went off so fast... I can hardly breathe.... Just like you.....
I know it's impossible.. and I shouldn't do it... but the more i know it wont happen.. the more i fall for it.... Humansss..... complicated creatures...
I think the right thing for me to do is forget abt you... totally... bcuz from the very start... I knew you wont take a 2nd look at me.....

HAis !!!!! Got so much to do at work.. aaahhhhh I just hope everything will go smoothly..
I WILL WORK HARD !!!!! =)

Sick Sick Sick !!! I HATE IT !!! flu flu go away ~~ i want to sing !!!!!

I'm still affected by the same old thing. life sux huh?

Should I or shouldn't I? ................................................................. i think i should
Thanks for all the encouragement =)

Temptations temptations .... how to resist tempations ?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
I seriously have to do it. DAMN SAD !!

in the progress of deforming

I know.. You are watching over me. Just when I was thinking of giving up everything, you showed me I should not give up. Thank you so much.

rested for almost 2 weeks. now its time to get back on track. my mood right now is worst than before, cuz there's so much things to do and so little time !!! hhaaaaaaaaiissssssssssss.... and i feel like just running away from EVERYTHING !!

*cries* why am i feeling like this. is it because im all alone, all alone doing all these?





yes.. im alone.

*sigh* throat infection for almost 2 weeks. I cant even talk properly not to say sing. =( Can't perform for tml's event at Holland V. sigh... why am i so "bu zhen qi" !!!!!!!!!! Visit doctor twice and the pain isn't gone yet ! Every morning I wake up I'll feel the pain =(

Work and work and work !!!! Since I can't practice my singing and gym, I have been working and resting.

I know it very clearly that things won't be starting so soon. I won't give up for sure. But I got to be strong too. The road is indeed very rocky. And you think I can't do it, it's okay, many thinks the same too. What difference does it make to have one more you. But I have to thank you, because you made me think that I can do it =)

Life has not been easy for some people recently (including myself). Hang out with some friends or do things that you enjoy to keep yourself cheerful, this will help to lighten your mood. But of cuz, at the end of the day, it's still me myself and i. Sometimes I feel real alone. And often thinks that life is very meaningless. I don't know what am I doing and I really felt useless. Like I know nuts, no skills, know nothing.. useless piece of sh*t. Should I further my studies? I have the urge to. Could some1 nice enough to give me some advice?

I don't want to waste my time.

Smile and everything will be fine =)

my shoulders are aching like mad..massage anyone =[

I am so glad to have you. Thank you so much for being there for me. You talked to me, listened to me, encouraged me, supported me.. I've never thought I'll confide in you.. I've never thought I will feel so comfortable crying in front of you. For a moment I wanted to hug you tightly and tell you how much I love you. And I realised, you have always been around. Thank you so much. Thank you.. thank you..

so you always think you are the best. why cant u just shut up and get ur things done. yes, everyone ard u is dangerous. that is why you dont have a true fren.

good job.

I AM SICK !!!! haisssss... =(

Okay.... I am missing Music Clinic already....
I am missing Peter Laoshi...
I am missing all the staffs and students there....
*sigh*
Honestly, thank you for giving me a chance to work there. I learnt alot. Seen alot. Absorb alot. Changed alot too.. =)

Next week gonna start working at a new place. Start handling new things, seeing and talking to new ppl. *sigh* Hope nothing bad comes up.

I wanna change my phone la !!! This blardy stupid red phone is giving me so many problems !! Shut down by itself, hanged, lagged, files deleted automatically !!!! Zzzzzz

OMG..... i feel so bloated la !!! wads wrong with me..
whats wrong with the weather..
whats wrong with everybody..

omgomgomg.

im a happy lil gal ~~~~~~~~~

bcuz
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=)

i am a happy lil gal ~~ happy lil gal ~~ happppppppy lil gal~~ i am a happy lil gal ~~~ happy lil gal ~~~ haaaaaaapppppppppy lil gal ~~~~ =D

dont have to lie. why a need to lie. whats there to hide. its not something important or big secret. if its something that everybody knows then why is there a need to hide from others. childish. i have better things to do. work is work. play is play. if u doesnt know how to differentiate then go away. i am serious when it comes to work. pls dont ever try to fool around with me during work. so i guess i need to spell it out so clearly. i am pissed. i am angry. i am disappointed. dont ask me whats wrong. dont act like u undersatnd me well. i can be the nicest person on earth. i can be the worst too. step on my tail and thats it. mind ur own biz. do ur job and no more questions asked. sometimes its better not to ask so much. this is life. more work less talk will save ur ass.

i wont dislike ppl if they nv step on my tail. i wish to be loveable and frenly too. who dont?

reflect please. everybody. including me.

16th August
Performance was a disaster !!! wahhahaha oh man.. at least all of us managed to pull through. GOOD SHOW EVERYBODY !! we performed on the same day, we performed on the same stage, we are a team yesterday !!!! =) loves.

my family went to support me. loves. my friends went to support. loves.

watched Claire Guo Jing at Lunar last night. Oh my God.. she's real good. she sounds like CD quality. except that there are some notes where she went off. BUT !!! overall is fantasic. and of cuz.. she's really adorable. =)

took lotsa pictures yesterday !! i hope i can upload them soon. my laptop crashed. =( sigh.. shoulders aching. can somebody nice enough to massage my shoulders for me ???? =p

Always expect the unexpected.

That is why I'm always not surprise/shock when things happened. Usually I'll just think of what should I do next when things happen instead thinking and asking why it happened. This time round, I failed.

I feel like a lost child, with no home. I dislike this feeling.

I know many loves me. But I don't feel the love.

I know many dislikes me. AND I CAN FEEL IT.

Determination. I need. Rest. I need.

I know... I understand..

I want.. I will..

There's a few things i'll always do when I am upset. I'll go for a jog, to sweat it out. Or Hello Panda biscuits will accompany me, note..only strawberry flavour will get the job done.

So...... I went gym this morning... sweat it all out... feels damn shiok.... And i had hello panda biscuits in the afternoon... supposingly my mood should be better.....

guess not.. =)

I want to go to a far far far far far faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away land..

Where there's a beautiful waterfall.. green grass land.. cool breeze...

Or maybe a house beside a peaceful sea.. smell of the sea.. windy..

or better... just take me away.. away from this world..

once away... please forget abt me everybody.. =)

Oh my Goddddddddddd~~~~~~~~~~~ It's been so long since my last entry.
Busy busy... has been crazy weeks for me. SERIOUSLY I AM GOING CRAZY. Pictures up soon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My lappy died on me =(

HOME SWEET HOME ~~~ =DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
BIL has return home !!! Welcome home KOR KOR !!!! =D Now you can rest at home and spend time with you beautiful wife and precious little princess ~~~~ Must take care and get well soon eh?? I'll visit you soon !!!! =)

These few weeks has been difficult for me. Emotionally, mentally, physically. Haa.. Sick Sick Sick.. Flu virus is everywhere.. Weather is having PMS.. Sleepless nights for me.. My best friends has come to find me again..................DARK RINGS.... Although pandas are cute.. but i dont want to be one laaaaaaaaa.... sigh.. just cant sleep at night.. Very tired though !!!

Needa cut down some weight. =(((((((((((

IPOH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to IPOH this Sunday !! Will be back on Wednesday =) Promised pictures :D

I wanna thank all my friends who have been there for me all the time.. Always there to listen to my complains and naggings... always there to lend me their shoulder to cry on.. Always there to make me laugh and accompany me when i'm bored... and many more.... Always There.... I love you guys !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *BIG HUGS*

=)

bleah....... =(

My BIL is recovering very well =)
Thank you for those who cared. Thank you for those who prayed for him. Thank you for my lovely understanding colleagues and friends. Thank you all so much !!!! *a big hug to all of you !!!*
I'm down with a bad bad cold. Sudden attack yesterday afternoon. Was practicing my songs and felt something not right, so I stopped and I took a Cold Panadol. Guess what, It got worse -.-" Continuous sneezing and itchyness from the throat. At the end of the day, my throat is very sore and my nose can drop off anytime *sigh*. Couldn't sleep at all due to the pain.

Went to the doctor this morn. As usual, waiting for 2 hours. My doctor isn't around, so today was another one. =( dont like. 1 day MC, so I be good gal today. Rest at home =) *sigh* feels like jelly.

2nd July 2008
Just when everybody thought it's a happy ending, the war has just started. The very next day of my bro-in-law's operation, doctor told my sister that the operation is very successful however his liver had started to harden [Cirrhosis (hardening of the liver)]. He already had hep b but it was under control. Because of the cancer, it erupt the hep b causing his liver to harden. Doctors says there's nothing much they can do, only to give him hep b medication to prolong the liver, as in slow down the speed of hardening. This news hit us like a speeding car. I myself can't stop crying when i got the news. I can't imagine how my sister handle it. Again, I was all alone in school. Panicked. Doesn't know what to do. Kept myself busy with work, it's totally impossible. Called Peter laoshi and told him I have to go to the hospital. The rest of the day, heartbreaking. I stayed in the hospital with my sister until the next morning. Didn't really sleep. I was very worried. My sister was sleeping, she's very tired, tired from all the crying. I couldn't sleep. The nurses are working. Machines in and out of the ward and it scares me. I don't know how many times have I went to check out my bro in law. I just couldn't sleep. My parents came in the middle of the night. I was shocked. They decided not to work cuz they are very worried as well. And part of the reason why I couldn't sleep was because there's an auntie snoring very loudly.....JUST BESIDE ME.... nice one -.-

3rd July 2008
Asked for off. Very tired. Very worried. Very scared. Very agitated. Stayed in hospital the whole day. No appetite but forced myself to eat. Bro in law's condition still the same. But his wounds are healing very fast. That's a very good sign. He's very determine to recover. But he's in so much pain. Half of his stomach is gone. I don't know what else is being cut off. I only know he's in alot of pain *heartbreaking* So many tubes around him. He can't move. :'( My sister and I accompany him to do some exercises. He needs to do this breathing exercise to expand his lungs and breath like normal healthy people. He's very giddy due to the overdose of morphine(pain killer) so he can't count how many times he has actually breathe in and out so my sister and I count for him. He was very tired. So he rest the whole day.

4th July 2008
This whole week we have been in and out of the hospital checking and accompanying my bro in law. My parents give up biz at the stall for the week cause they have no mood to work, too worry for my sister and my bro in law. My other 2 sisters too. Take turns on leave to accompany my big sister. I went back to work today. So many things to do. So many things to follow up. Totally no mood to do anything. Forced myself. Very "xin bu zai yan" *sigh* After work, I went to the hospital.

5th July 2008
My big sister stayed at my place almost the entire week, with my baby niece. Baby niece kept having nightmares. Sister believes is because baby niece frequent the hospital with us, she got scared that's why always nightmares, and her poo poo was green in colour. *sigh* I went to work with no mood at all. Agitated easily, still I pull through the day. Wanted to go over to visit my bro in law after work. But sis and parents came over instead. So went home cuz bro in law says he wants to rest. Tired... I am very tired.

6th July 2008
Work as usual. Tired as usual. Visit my bro in law after work. He has moved to the normal ward. =) Doctor says he can breath normally now and he is off from the morphine(pain killer). He's still in pain, but bareable. All his actions are small and careful, even talking or coughing or sitting up, because it was his stomach muscles, so basically all his movements must be careful. And his internal organs have not fully recover yet, so the pain the still there. He can't eat as his stomach is not working yet. He can have sips of water, but very very very very little cause he still feel the pain. He had his bathe today =) He was very happy. And finally after almost a week, he sees his precious baby gal. He doesn't know about his liver problem yet. He kept asking big sis how's his condition, maybe he suspect somethign is wrong, or maybe he's just worried for himself. *sigh*

I'm really happy, glad, relief............ I don't know what other words to describe my feelings... that he's recovering very fast from the opearation...Although nobody knows how's his liver condition now... but doctors say he's doing very well... things are under control... my sister is really happy.... tml everybody is back to work...

Although we are not blood related...........you are still my brother........ I love you dearly like I love my family.... Don't you dare walk away from me alrite? You have always been there when my family or myself needed help. You gave us laughters all the time. All of us know how much you love my sister and how dearly you dote on her. All of us know how much you hope for a child of your own with my sister. All of us know how hardworking you are as a father, husband, friend, brother. You are always doing for others. Even if so, you only complain or make some noise. You are always so tired, give you 2 minutes, you'll be sound asleep, snoring. I still remember the first day I met you, can't remember where, but I remember we are having lunch with my sister and my brother. I am very sure how much my sister and your precious baby means to you. And I am very sure how much you would want to spend your life with them till you grow white hair and lots of wrinkles. All of us too, wants to see you grow old with white hairs and wrinkles. So... be strong ok? Recover fast !!! We shall go fishing again !!! =)

Kor... I love you *hugs*

Everything happen so fast. But I'm glad things are back to normal now =)
However, I'm utterly upset that I'm been accused of something which I did not do.

27th June 2008
Woke up with a weird feeling. Something isn't right. Dread myself to work. Luckily didi came and somewhat accompany me and he practiced his songs. And all of a sudden, I feel that I'm losing control. 3rd sister called, crying, telling me that my big bro in law isn't in a good condition now and my parents ask me to go over to SGH to accompany my big sister as she all alone there. Noone's in school yet, and I was so "kanjiong" cause I can't leave the school just like that. Stupid thoughts running through my head. I just can't get myself to calm down and do things. Physically I'm working, mentally is nothing. Rushed to SGH once Peter laoshi came in. Stayed at the hospital with my family, waiting for the surgeon to tell us what's going to happen. But they didn't come. Nurse told us tomorrow after 8am surgeon will make their way.

28th June 2008
Woke up damn early, 6am. Washed up and waited for my big sister, 3rd sister and 3rd bro in law to come over with my baby niece. We went to the hospital to wait for the surgeon. My bro in law was smiling happily when he sees us. When the surgeons came, his face changed. The surgeon told us what my bro in law had was something call "Bile Duct Cancer" and a "whipple operation" will be done. It's actually a major operation, but recovery is 95%. =) I went to work after that. After work back to SGH again =) Big sister and baby niece sleeping over at my place.

29th June 2008
Woke up early again. Saw baby niece playing and having her breakfast. Everybody prepared and went to SGH. As usual, I left for work and back to SGH after work. I don't know exactly how my big bro in law feels. But by the look from his face, I know he's really scared and worried no matter how many times we assure him that everything will be fine. After that we headed home for dinner.

30th June 2008
Woke up early. Went for vocal lesson. I have no mood at all. Jason Laoshi said I have improvements !! I was very happy because last week I was so upset that I have no improvements at all. And I have been working on it. And yes !!! I done it =) BUT NOT ENOUGH, I have much more to improve on. *jiayou ba ~~* Head back home after lesson and rest awhile then out again to my big sister's place. Then to SGH. Accompanied my bro in law for the rest of the day, and prepared his feelings for tomorrow's operation. The operation supposed to be today. Some of the major doctors not around, so they don't want to take risk, want the whole team to be there for the operation. Oh well, I don't know what to say. EVerybody is tired, everybody is worried, but still, everybody smiles and laughs =)

1st July 2008
Woke up early. Prepared and off to SGH. My parents, 3rd sister and bro in law, 2nd bro in law, and of cuz my big sister waited with my big bro in law for the nurses to prepare him for the operation. Scared and worried is all writen on his face. We all know nothing will happen, but we just can't help worrying bcuz he's someone we love so much =) I went to work, took half day, then back to SGH and waited together with my family. We accompanied him through the entire operation. Seeing him out of the theater and into his ward, soundly sleeping, then we went home. Everybody went home with a smile.

2nd July 2008
Upset. Of cuz it's nothing to do with my bro in law. I'm really glad that he's okay now. I guess i'll just keep it to myself because noone knows it better than I do. So No point explaining to people who doesn't seem to trust or understand. Oh well.. *shrugs* Tired, all the waking up earlies and reaching home late at night, all the travelling and time spent in the hospital, is all making me weak and lost of appetites.




Thank you so much =)

Don't you dare walk away from me !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please, my love ones, don't leave me.... Nothing will happen to you, there are many things yet to be done, please be strong and pull through............

you cannot leave me ok ?

none of you.. no way.. cannot !!!

*pray*

23rd June, Monday

Now my mondays are meant to be travelling around Singapore. Not so bad la.. at least I can start memorising directions/roads/places, else I'm always the blur-mountain-turtle !!!
I'm disappointed with myself today, very disappointed. I see no improvement. I s*cks !!! seriously...... suddenly i dunno what to do.... *sigh* I'm pissed with myself for can't getting things rite. I'm sick and tired of my weakness. I want to master it and show everybody I CAN DO IT. I want to make YOU proud.
but...............it all takes time...............i'm just not patient enough................................and not hardworking enough.......... hais..... i s*cks la.........
Met mei and jie for dinner at sakae sushi then head to mediacorp for superband 2008 with di and huili. Haha we had a hard time finding/travelling to mediacorp cause we took bus and not taxi. Mediacorp is so not friendly to find.. stupid.. I wonder why a place like that.. it's really stupid =X
Watched superband 2008. Yup the 3 groups we supported went in the next round !!! =) After that was home sweet home. Took bus home with di, wasn't that far leh, maybe there's companion so ya.. haha.

24th June, Tuesday

It wasn't my day today. I woke up with difficulties and it lasted the whole day. s*cks I hate it !!! Thanks for all my lovely friends who cheered me up. Without you guys I don't think I'm able to make it through today.

Boy, I know its hard, but you got to be strong. Life is short. ENJOY LA !!

I'm so tired today !!! haha it's really nice to stay up late after dinner with a few friends and chat till you drop !!! =) Loves, had a great time last night. Thanks !!! :D

To somebody:
you may not even read this but i just hope you know some things cant be forced. i dont want to be mean to you. please dont make me start.

I had a great time with my family today. but i ate too full now very xing ku =X

that's all for today i guess !!! tml's another day.. tampines here i come again !!! and superband at night =)

I am so sian....

Alrite, put aside the "sian" stuffs. My beloved is back !!! omg she bought so many things for me !! wahhaha told her not to buy any just enjoy herself can already yet she bought so many !! wahhah but i very happy la.. cuz she bought things i like =DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD she bought DOREAMON !!! WAHAHHA favourite =DDDDDDD and she bought a jacket for me too.. its pink !!! love it !! =) thanks gal, i've never thought you'll stay by my side.. WE SHALL MEET AGAIN SOON LA !! I DONT CARE !!!! =X

Interesting people today WAHAHHAHAHA I CANT STOP LAUGHING LA !!!!
she sees some piano scores books on my table.. and she said this........." wa.. laoshi so lihai hor.. sing so well.. and play the piano so welll" WAHAHHAHAHAHA so funny !!!!! she also nv see laoshi play the piano before... omg omg omg.. she's so obsessed with laoshi !!! wahhaha oh my i cant stop laughing !!!

oh well, I enjoyed myself this week !! Seriously wahhaha Hot yoga is GREAT !!! Yea i went to Hot Yoga with Jie =) Its really nice, sweat it all out and detox !! wahha and ya, tone up, burns fats =) It lightens up ur mood, and you feel so light everyday !! It's really nice =) really go try it !! wahha =p

Was a little pissed today actually, haha, interesting ppl came and I cant continue practicing my singing bcuz she kept bugging me, asking me weird questions, talking to me, even when i told her i got work to do.. sorry cant chat with her !!! AAArrghh.. irritating... =( oh well, but she's funny WAHhaha =X

AAahhh !! i miss you la friend !!! so much to talk can !!!! faster come faster come !!! wahahha =)

Hello everyone !!! =)
Hello hello hello =D I don't really like/enjoy blogging actually. But I want to keep all my lovely friends and family updated !! Soooo, I created this blog JUST FOR YOU !!! =D Used to have a blog, for some reason, I deleted it. I hope I can keep this blog alive =)